What You Don’t Say
October 21, 2023
“It’s not what you say but how you say it.” We’ve all heard this common statement about how others may interpret the messages you’re conveying. It references the influence intonation, body language, and punctuation have on how messages are received. While it’s crucial to use these tools to clearly communicate so those on the receiving end understand what you are telling them, that isn’t always enough. Communication also comes in the form of the things you don’t say.
Not communicating a message, in its entirety, does, in fact, communicate a message. When you leave aspects out or only communicate part of the message, it leaves the listener to interpret your unspoken words. The risk is that someone might make assumptions that could be inaccurate. Maybe you believe that the person knows you well enough to understand you, despite having not communicated your full thoughts, but this puts the listener in the position of doing your work. Your lack of communication imposes upon others to figure out what you mean, think, or feel, which isn’t fair or productive.
This lack of communication impacts us in all areas of our lives—be it at work, with family, or with friends. Sometimes we struggle to communicate a full message because we fear how it will make the other person feel, but it’s always better to be straightforward. Make sure others understand the purpose of what you are saying—be clear and provide context. Say what you want them to know, even if it’s upsetting, difficult, or uncomfortable. Doing so leaves minimal space for mystery and increases the likelihood of you being heard and feeling understood.
Hold yourself accountable for delivering complete thoughts, directives, requests, and statements. Don’t assume others will interpret your words as you intend them to be heard. Instead,
Share your thoughts clearly and concisely; don't assume others can read between the lines and know what you are trying to say.
People hear what you say, not what you think; don’t rely on others to ask for clarification.
Only you can accurately convey your thoughts and feelings; don’t assume others will know the meaning behind what you are saying.
On the flip side, if you are the one receiving an incomplete or fragmented message, think outside of what is being said:
Ask yourself if there is something more that you aren’t hearing.
Consider asking the other person for clarification or details.
It may be their job to tell you this, but if they don’t, then consider it an opportunity to be inquisitive in a caring way.
Don’t be intrusive, but be curious. Be caring and thoughtful about the underlying emotional messaging that isn’t being discussed.
Let the person know that you are unclear about what’s being asked, told, or expected to/of you. Even if they get mad, it’s still necessary for you to do their part, because they didn't do it.
When someone is not communicating clearly, others are left with a mystery: how to interpret the full scope of what’s being said, how to react, what to think, or if there’s something they can or should be doing. In business and in life, communicating clearly, fully, and honestly builds trust, strengthens relationships, and ensures the job gets done correctly—it’s all about what you don’t say.